Demolition Man
Welcome back to RANK’d! Where I somehow navigate a certain year or series of titles in an attempt to list them for my own amusement. This one is probably the most important list I’ve done on the site. I’m gonna do my best to keep from rambling too much and stay as concise as I can because I’ve got over 25 years of history with this franchise, from the top down pixelated carnage of the first all the way to the Shark(TM) infested waters of the latest. This is a series so synonymous with video games and pop culture. So impactful to myself and, really, the whole fuckin’ world, that it’s newest entry is going to be a record shattering, single biggest piece of digital entertainment media to ever release.
I’m of course talking about: Grand Theft Auto.
G-Spotlight
So, how am I going to navigate all this?
Going to be sticking to mainline games only(w/DLC). Honestly my only real portable experience was Vice City Stories. While excellent, I ended up never finishing it as IV was looming nearer at the time and other stuff got in the way too. Tens of minutes of Liberty City Stories and Chinatown Wars on emulators also isn’t exactly elite ball knowledge, so we’ll keep those out too.
GTA: London doesn’t count either. Sorry to the like, three of you whom that’s your all-timer.
So with that outta the way, sit back, relax, put on some Flock Of Seagulls and let’s do this.
PSP was beast of a portable
#7 - Grand Theft Auto
It’s tough to pinpoint exactly when I first laid eyes on DMA’s Liberty City back in the day, but what little I do recall is how much fun it was just stealing cars, driving around and running into shit. And buddy, you ran into A LOT of shit.
Humble beginnings
I mean, it was fun when I was a kid. I was a little hellraiser back then, so the freeform chaos sandbox was a good time. I did do some payphone missions back then but it definitely didn’t keep my attention for very long, could barely fuckin’ read yet ‘ya know?. Though it was a limited sandbox and I remember my tiny self dropping it pretty quickly after getting frustrated and dying constantly. Coming back to it these days is one of those things where you go “It was the style of the time.” Nothing really to it, I didn’t feel particularly compelled to do anything other than fart around for five minutes. Camera sucks, city looks kinda bland and gameplay is pretty samey. Really, the most notable thing that’s stuck with me over the years with the first game is the title track from Da Shootaz. Absolute banger. Oh and the beeper jingle, had that as a ringtone for a bit back in the day.
The game was neat for what it was back then, but that’s about it. Hence it’s placement.
#6 - Grand Theft Auto 2
A couple years later, a little older, questionably wiser. GTA2 comes across my desk and this is the first one to really hook me. I loved the neo-retro thing it had going on back then. The cars looked so damn cool(kinda wish they’d do some references to this one nowadays). But I fondly remember getting lost in this city(compliment) and just looking around for secrets, getting into shootouts with the different gangs(and cops of course) and ACTUALLY doing some fun missions. It kinda started the whole gang loyalty system but it’s super rudimentary here. Do missions for the guys you like, shoot the ones you don’t, bar goes up and down accordingly. But that didn’t matter to me, the sandbox was super fun to play in. Revisiting this again for the list i’d forgotten just how much fun it was.
This cover always confused me as a kid
Yeah, we had it pretty good here
I look back at 2 much more fondly than 1, even how limited it was to the later games, It was just so much more memorable. It was the perfect definition of a sequel, better than the first in every way. But as much as I enjoyed 2, nothing prepared me, or the rest of the world for that matter, how explosively huge it’s sequel would be.
#5 - Grand Theft Auto III
".…." - Claude
This is kinda turning into a retrospective rather than a list, but bear with me. Not my fault damn near every game is better than its predecessor.
Anywho, THIS. GAME.
The time was around 2001-2002. I’d remember seeing that epic commercial, couldn’t believe how insane it looked. A 3D GTA. Guns blazing, cars racing around, an accompanying operatic background song, “If you do this for me, you’ll be a made man-”.
Bro.
The hype was inescapable.
But alas, I was on PC.
I had to wait. I didn’t know how long. It was before I knew of Rockstar’s apathetic attitude towards PC gamers.
But one day, i finally saw it up close, on PC…but, I was grounded. Did a lot of dumb shit back then for reasons this list ain’t the place for but alas. I didn’t get to play it, only watch my grandpa mess around for a couple minutes.
But, I was mesmerized. Couldn’t believe what I was looking at.
It wasn’t until sometime later I finally got around to playing it myself and buddy, life was never the same.
You have entered another dimension
A fully 3D world to run around in. An insane feat of technology Rockstar was able to pull off on that box at that time. Kept me thoroughly entertained just free roaming and exploring the “massive” map of Liberty City…well, a third of it anyway.
See, I was a young dumb kid and I’d barely make it to Joey’s missions before i’d nope out and go back to farting around in LC. I’d be stealing the Banshee in the showroom and just blasting through the streets of just the first island only. Listening to the radio stations, not knowing what the hell April’s In Paris, “Feels Like I Just Can’t Take No More” on Lips 106.5 was, but dammit if i didn’t vibe the fuck out to it. (Also loved hearing GTA 1’s theme again there too.) Had no clue how to get to the other sections of the island, but BOY did I try. Wasn’t until years later and a GTA 3 guide book(remember those?) that told me “hey stupid, do the damn missions.” But by then I had moved on.
Booted up III again for the GIFs and I was right back in my desk on that XP machine 24 years ago. Sucks you gotta run through a couple hoops to get it looking better than 640×480 and getting a controller to work.(unless you endure the “remastered” version) But, it was worth the trip back. The banshee still rules.
The biggest thing holding III back, is it’s predecesors were just better.
#4 - Grand Theft Auto IV (and DLC)
Ok woah woah hey, put the pitchforks down and listen up.
Relax, take a deep breath.
Better?
Ok, Quote time:
“Ya can’t shake no hands when your fist be clenched. Ya hear me, breda?” - Little Jacob
My biggest hurdle with making a list like this is juggling nostalgia vs. if i would still pick up and play this today. And GTA IV as much as I adore some of the characters(Little Jacob is my BRO), the vastly more detailed and realistic Liberty City, the incredible gunplay and euphoria system, THE BOWLING. Some parts about it just haven’t stuck with me. I VERY MUCH realize the story is beloved by the fanbase and we feel like we peaked here and perhaps I was too young to fully appreciate it yet. And I realize that the most memorable mission for others, as was mine, was the Three Leaf Clover Heist mission with Packie. But for whatever reason I can’t go back to it for longer than a couple hours. To me, while still quite excellent, hasn’t quite aged AS gracefully as others would protest.
Now, my first time playing it? Oh I was losing my shit.
Couldn’t believe a game could look this good.
Niko, Johnny, Luis. It would never be the same again.
source: gta net
This was almost as monumental a leap as III was from 2. Using the state of the art engine, RAGE, It’s roots are deep from the early 3D era but have expanded so far and wide that it’s still being iterated and evolved to this very day with RAGE 9 for GTA VI. It was so damn good, pushed the 360 and PS3 to its knees(at the time) and man did I have a blast with it, but to this day, i’ve have never finished it. Only ever fully completing the DLC. At around maybe the 80% point, I kinda had to stop because I was borrowing the game at the time. Did actually get to play it around launch this time(yay) but only on my stepdads 360. Of course, again, me being stuck on PC, the game took it’s sweet-ass time to arrive on the platform. And when it did? It was a shit show. Perhaps that’s why I never finished it, didn’t want to go through the game again to the point I was at, having to deal with a piss poor port of the game. It was only until I met a couple of fellas named Johnny and Luis, did I actually get to enjoy the game on PC.
“I have a deep sadness in me, Luis. Will you join me, please - for an orgy of champagne, cocaine, women, watermelons and whatever else this city may have to offer. We must forget them.” - Yusuf (Arab Money) Amir
They’d worked out the kinks(for the most part) when the DLC dropped since it was its own thing in a nice neat standalone package. So I finally got to experience those stories from start to finish on the ol PC. These short but sweet pieces of DLC really got me to do more of the “roleplay” stuff that’s popular nowadays since GTA IV was a much weightier and more authentic feeling experience than its earlier entries. Being in a biker gang and sticking to your motorcycle like it was your horse in Red Dead, riding in formation and doing gang shit with Johnny. Or being a gun for hire for a very eccentric club owner/drug addict in Gay Tony Prince with former convict/soldier Luis while doing shots and dancing in the Maisonette 9. I far and away prefer Ballad Of Gay Tony over Lost and Damned purely because of the characters. Howie Mandel’s Tony steals the show in every scene…except when crazy rich Arab(money) Yusuf Amir is involved. That man’s obsession with gold and uncomfortably flagrant use of “ninjas” has me fucking dying. LnD was a darker moodier story and while I enjoyed it multiple times, I always went back to Luis and Tony’s story. Rockstar’s signature satire shines brightest there.
But you might still me asking, “how is this number 4?!”. Well, in the case of the next two,
Nostalgia is a hell of a drug.
#3 - Grand Theft Auto: Vice City
“I poke my head out of the gutter for one freakin second and fate shovels shit in my face” - Ken Rosenberg
Flock Of Seagulls was on my TV screen daily, constantly reminding me GTA: Vice City was out on PS2. But as the folks at home should know by now, Rockstar hates me, and PC Gamers specifically. But at least this go ‘round, I got to play it on PS2, briefly. But like a good bump of coke, brother, you need a lil more. That brief glimpse of Vice City(and Mortal Kombat: Deadly Alliance) only teased me, only made the hunger worse. More Seagulls, more teasing, the only thing that felt so far away was the release date on PC and boy I wish I could’ve (ran) there sooner.
But it wasn’t before long when I eventually got to boot up and meet with that lovely Hawaiian shirt clad Tommy Vercetti on PC.
Now we’re in Vice City baby.
flock of fuckin’ seagulls man
This game, for the longest time(probably until the next one) was my every day go-to. The first in the series I actually gave a fuck about the story(didn’t know or understand any of the references but hey, its a start). Went through that whole thing because I remembered real quick if I didn’t do that damn story I couldn’t get out of the starting area. But i’m glad I did. Tommy’s rags-to-empire business story was a ton of fun and there are so many moments and memories that pop up like: “nice bike”, or Lance’s “this is business”, or “Demolition Man” or the Golf Cart frenzy or the final shootout in Diaz’s mansion. This was the first GTA I ever beat.
Throughout my time with the game, it was here that I got huge into modding and using my own music for the radio(blasphemous i know, i was a dumb kid). I vividly remember going into paint and just brushing over Tommy’s iconic shirt and using it in game. Rudimentary compared to projects like the Back To The Future mod, sure, but it sparked a love for modding in general that would soon follow in the sequel. The only thing we PC Gamers had over the console kids’ earlier releases.
It’s funny, going back to this now I kinda get the excitement that others would get for the soundtrack because as a kid, I barely touched it and hearing Billie Jean right away or flipping to the rock station and hearing Raining Blood is such a trip to me. Like an entire musical experience completely missing because I just HAD to have “Hero” by Chad Kroeger in my radio(hey man, Spidey was huge back then). And while the aged shooting mechanics and lack of checkpoints knock it down a bit compared to later games. The vibes of Vice City are immaculate, and I’m sure they’ll capture that and so much more when we all go back to VC when VI drops. (Can’t fuckin’ wait.)
So, why here? It’s tough, right? I almost swapped this with IV because, well, gameplay-wise IV was just plain better than anything else in the series up to that point. And the gameplay here, while great at the time, doesn’t quite hit the same now. But man, nostalgia hits like a Mack truck when I boot this back up. I gotta put it here.
Higher? Nah, no way.
Once we flew over to the west coast, to Grove Street, home, it hits different.
#2 - Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas
Because of my love of Vice City, I was ALL IN to anything and everything GTA at this point. Back then there was so much good stuff coming out and I wasn’t quite as terminally online yet. So I had no clue a new GTA was around the corner so soon after VC. But, of course, it’s gonna be stuck on PS2 and Xbox.
“Ah shit…here we go again.” - Carl Johnson (CJ)
Dude, the hype on this one, has yet to be eclipsed for me since, yes, even the games after it. It was the right time. Had friends who were playing it, we were all breaking in to our teenage years. It brought everybody together at the time, no cell phones, no social media, just schoolyard bullshit.
Welcome To The Jungle plays on the TV.
You got casinos, you got low riders, you got bicycles, you got gang shit, you got fuckin’ WOOZIE, you got CJ lookin’ crazy hard and then the “HUUUH” drops…..and you got me yelling at the screen because Rockstar fucked me over again.
That’s alright, I got my friends filling me in on all of the cool shit you can do now for like a year.
Wait, no no, that’s WORSE.
Fuck.
"Now I know you blind man, but you gotta see this." -CJ, to Woozie
Dude, I could literally do a whole post on just this game. Love it so damn much. Some of my all time favorite gaming moments are on these streets of Los Santos(yes, i did eventually make it to Fierro and Venturas, I’m slightly less dumber now!).
Pretty much every iconic quote or moment in the series is from this game. You can’t go a day without someone referencing “AWW SHIT” or the damn train. But it’s more than that, so much more. In fact some of these systems in here haven’t been brought back(yet…). Like, we a RPG now. We got stats that can be improved by just doing the thing you want to improve. I’d go to the gym and immediately buff up CJ every playthrough cuz his scrawny ass ain’t making it outta LS alive looking like that, and of course do some melee training with coach in case I need to smack some Ballas. Maybe fix that embarrassing haircut and get some colors to rep Grove Street. Go take that bum ass ride I got and slap a body kit on maybe with some hydraulics, nitrous, and a fresh coat of paint.
You can do all that now and much more like…*shudders* driving school.
I can’t remember too much about my first visit to LS, only that i’d do what I always do with GTA games at that point. Just fuck around.
But hey this time I didn’t IMMEDIATELY put my music in the game. I’d put on Radio X and listen to the aforementioned Jungle tune as well as many classics that would soon fill up the iPod when i hit High School(my intro to Helmet and Living Color among so many others). Oh but I HAD to put on my Crush 40 joints on there too. Sonic Adventure 1’s soundtrack ate up a ton of drive time. I remember loving the characters, man Big Smoke…(no spoilers), Ryder, or OG Loc’s dumb ass being early highlights. I remember using the cheats and spawning tanks, a Nascar, or the Monster Truck.
I remember my first cup of uh, “coffee”…
*cough*
But man, the story. The best in the series in my opinion. Grief, betrayal, corruption and a little bit of psychedelics.(again, no spoilers, go play it yourself!) My intro to hip hop and 90s gang culture that got me into movies like Training Day later on. Game made quite the impression on this chubby white kid from bum-fuck egypt.
Carl’s journey through the three cities of San Andreas felt massive at the time. The in-between counties felt like long road trips to the next city, for which said Crush 40 accompanied me. Before, I couldn’t recall a game bigger than this. Of course shortly after this I had TES: Oblivion and all bets were off, but the scale of San Andreas just felt so vast to me as a kid. Even though you look at it now and it pales in comparison to Rockstar’s later games.
Dude, the silly stuff like Zero’s missions, The Truth, WOOZIE…I could go on and on. But i’ll finish off with this.
I booted it up again recently and brother lemme tell you tell you, if the last game on the list didn’t exist, this would be it for me. 20 years later and it’s still home, even if CJ done fucked everything up. I’d gladly spend the 20 hours or so to go through it again. Hell I even remembered the old cheat I used every time I played back then(MONSTERMASH). This time though I just wanted to fart around for a bit to get a GIF or two for the list, instead…
Night falls, spawned me a Monster, fired it up, already on classic rock station K-DST, Horse With No Name plays and...I kinda get lost in it.
I just drive.
A certain unexplainable feeling took over. A fog of nostalgic remembrance? Or just vibing the fuck out to a great song? I dunno.
But it was cool.
San Andreas fuckin’ rules man.
#1 - Grand Theft Auto V
"That Apache blood in me they lucky I didn't do a flying tomahawk & scalp they ass" - Lamar (lanky dumbass) Davis
Had bought my own PS3 Slim late in the game to catch up on the exclusive games of the platform.(man having MGS4, Uncharted, Infamous, Resistance and LittleBigPlanet all at once was glorious.) Having a job now really helps stave off FOMO on bullshit exclusivity because, hey we got adult monies and can buy what we want now.(DOESN’T MAKE IT OK ROCKSTAR) Trailers dropped, excitement grew because after nearly a decade, we’re going back to San Andreas!…well just Los Santos. But the promise of a map and game so massive that it dwarfs every title before it? Was more than enough for me to stay on that hype train.
Fall 2013 arrives. And what we get is one of the greatest video games of all time.
Three’s Company
“You forget a thousand things everyday, be sure this is one of them.” - Michael De Santa
The first experience I have is of course the story. The prologue is a flashback following of fellow friends and main characters Michael and Trevor as they escape a heist with their crew up north in Yankton. What was immediately apparent to me is visually, we’ve peaked.(we haven’t yet but it was 2013 on a PS3 bro). Gameplay feeling familiar to GTA IV but with less heft to the movement all while maintaining Euphoria’s glorious physics. Shooting felt about as good as IV but not quite as good as it did in one of Rockstar’s previous outings, Max Payne 3. Wasn’t expecting THAT, but I could dream.(eh, GTA VI?) The banter between M and T, as they were code-named, kept that same batshit zaniness Rockstar always brings to their characters, especially Trevor. After the events of the prologue, I get to meet Franklin and Lamar. My absolute favorite duo of the game. Lamar has got to be the funniest motherfucker they’ve ever had in a GTA game. He had me crying every time he was on screen. An absolute scene stealer.(you know ^THAT part was the best) Made me want to keep following Franklin’s side of the story. Oh yeah, and now, I got two characters to play as, and soon later on with Trevor, three. A first in the series and a brilliant way to tell the main plot from different perspectives while also getting to tell some different side stories and get to know the vastly different characters.
I was caught up in it. Everything from dealing with Michael’s “retirement” and destructive family, to Franklin’s livin’ in his auntie’s house-to-riches story, to…whatever the hell Trevor was up to. I was all in.
But while I enjoyed the story thoroughly. I’d gained an obscene amount of money on the heists and abusing the stock market to the point where really the game lost a ton of steam for me. Wasn’t much left to do other than replay missions and go get collectables.
That is, until the single most polarizing thing Rockstar ever released dropped on us shortly after the game came out:
GTA: Online
The journey is a long one, buckle up.
Around when Online dropped I got to play with an old friend from all the way back in Middle School and we got to experience what early Online had to offer…it was uh, not much. But we’d been talking about GTA a lot since we were kids so I couldn’t care less man. We was playing GTA together, it was awesome. Deathmatches, survival runs, and a small smattering of story-ish missions were all we really had early on. Unfortunately, life gets in the way sometimes and we had gone our separate ways and have each started lives since then.(hope all is good Kenny, miss you brother)
But GTA: Online was evolving, growing into the Shark Card™infested cesspool. I liked the small bits of community early on. Those early days of stealing cars and going around doing dumb shit with randoms was a fun time. But I had to put it down after awhile, not enough to do to warrant spending anymore time with it.
Then PS4 release dropped.
Played the story again, this time in FIRST PERSON. A fever dream once upon a time, now fully realized and my god I loved it. Got the controls to where it felt like CoD and I was in heaven again.
Then Heists dropped and i’m back online again.
This time I had succumbed to the machine. The promise of heists with your own character and having deeper mechanics than the campaign was exactly what I wanted. Well it wasn’t QUITE that yet but soon. Doing Heists is the reason to play Online at all, I just wished it wasn’t so damn hard to get into it at the time. The grind was REAL back then. Well, a Shark Card™ and a million dollar apartment later…I had access to Heists. Unfortunately, the only solo Heist is the first one, have to do the rest with randos. Ain’t happening. So I left it again.
Then PC release dropped.
Didn’t play through the campaign again this time(even though i’ve gotten halfway through it like 3 times), but here I am, back Online. This time CEOs are a thing and you can run businesses?…oh. Now we have management stuff akin to Vice City Stories? Ah shit…here we go again. Shark Card™
I’ve got an office. I’ve got an assistant, she’s neat. Got my name on the wall. Sweet.
Got into the groove of ordering crates to drop in, collecting with a truck, delivering, rinse, repeat ad nauseam until it got boring. Got a car or two but it wasn’t much longer after that where I dropped it again.
Years go by. And there’s something that I didn’t think Rockstar would ever to for GTA V. Go off island and leave Los Santos.
Cayo Perico Heist drops.
Im back again, this time? Clocked in 100+ hours. I had missed a lot. Bikers, Nightclubs, Bunkers and a few heists. I had work to do.
But this time? I have someone with me, my now wife.
This here is some of the best times I ever have with the game. My wife ain’t much of a gamer, but once I got her on a PC she could do some damage…in the casino. Legit the first time she spun the Lucky Wheel in the casino? Free car(see above donuts on the beach shot). Slots? Big wins. Blackjack? Forget about it. Horse Racing? Her favorite.
We did get into Cayo and the business stuff but she loved doing the casino and shopping around LS. Many a time were had spent waiting in front of a store or LS Customs so she could get the PERFECT fit or look for her car. I loved every minute.
But of course other stuff came out, other things come up and we say goodbye to Los Santos…for now.
Then GTA V: Enhanced drops.
After the Agency Dre missions, the Cluckin’ Bell raid, acquiring an Acid Lab, a casino apartment and many wheel spins later…200 more hours go by. Well mostly me, but my wife came along for some of it, lots more gameplay this go round since she’s gotten a lot better at shooting(Cluckin Bell raid is fantastic). But after all that, we’d both gotten our fill of GTA V. Every now and again I’d pop in for a drive as that was one of my favorite things to do in every game in the series.
As GTA VI looms nearer and it’s existence somehow becomes more of a reality(it’s in my hands NOW bro), I decided to drop back in for one last drive.(for now of course, its always gonna be there, guys.)
Well, here we are, GTA V, Number 1.
It’s the game I’ve bought six times over three different platforms. Have well over 500 hours of total playtime between PS3, PS4, PS5, and PC. Beaten the story twice, damn near gotten every achievement multiple times. Survived the Online dregs while it slowly turned it into the sandbox of my dreams. Few games have held such a foothold over me like GTA V. The map has become as second nature as my own hometown. The characters I know like old friends. The game that I can pick up and play anytime and lose an entire day. In the THIRTEEN GOT DAMN YEARS we waited for the next in the series, I couldn’t have asked for a better title to tide me over until the eventual move to Leonida and reunite with Vice City.
See you all there, thank you for reading.